We’ve all had those moments. We are sitting across from our loved one, at the dinner table. And what we are saying is not registering.
Like, at all.
The “uh-huhs”, the glancing at the watch, and the long sigh (are you done yet..?) — are just not cutting it. In fact, from what we can tell, our partner has checked out.
And (maybe), we think to ourselves:
“He just…doesn’t…get it.”
The best gift you can give to your partner is to know where she is emotionally. To locate her…on her plane, in her universe. If you will.
Go there. Meet her.
Most folks — men and women alike, carry a variety of fears and frustrations throughout the day, but many are unable to express these feelings at home. They think their feelings aren’t important.
They feel they may be “complaining” or “whining” if they truly expressed how they feel.
This detachment from emotion can lead to a lack of emotional intimacy. Which can lead to a lack of physical intimacy, and create other issues in relationships that can be avoided.
The extent to which you are able to emotionally locate your partner will determine the success and satisfaction of your relationship.
If you are able to empathize with your partner, you will be able to feel what she feels. Through your ability to locate your spouse emotionally, you will cause her to feel more secure in her attachment toward you, more loving, and less likely to look for emotional attachments elsewhere with the opposite sex.
So what do you mean? You might ask…
“What does it mean to ‘emotionally locate’ my partner?
To emotionally locate: to find, to meet, to encounter and feel, together, with your partner, the same feeling.
OK. So. HOW? How do I do this…exactly?
Here are seven ways to emotionally locate your partner:
1. Intend to meet her. Decide for yourself that this is a good thing. Tell yourself this is a good idea, that you want to meet her emotionally. For the sake of your relationship.
2. Create a safe space. Set a time to talk to intentionally show that you care.
3. Ask her how she is feeling. Ask her what circumstances led her to the feeling she is feeling. What events have occurred to precipitate this feeling? What thoughts of her own have led her to where she is now?
4. Watch your body language. Remove distractions like TV and all screens. Sit facing your partner and look directly into her eyes.
5. Do not offer solutions. Instead, reflect back with active listening (ie “so, you feel frustrated because your boss isn’t giving you the responsibilities you deserve. Wow. that’s really disappointing…. I can see how you feel that way”.
6. ***Ask her to help you understand if you aren’t getting it. Give an honest try at reframing what she is saying (as in #5) and ask her if you have it right.
7. Encourage her in her efforts to share her emotions with you, and tell her you want to learn more about how she thinks and feels.
If you attempt all of the above, even if it feels slow going and you are not quite getting it right, go back to the beginning and try again. And remind yourself: you’re making progress.
And because you’ve traveled this far, it’s time to congratulate yourself.
And keep looking, keep searching.
You’re almost there.